Reasons I would make a good spy:
I'm a natural brooder. From what I can gather, espionage requires lots of brooding -- brooding about just what you think the other spies are up to, brooding about whether or not your carefully crafted plan will work exactly as you want, brooding about whether or not you're actually working for the good guys or the bad guys because the two sides come to resemble each other so much after all the years, all the operations gone bad, all the allegiances made, broken, then sold off to the highest bidder, brooding about whether people are motivated by love, money, pride, whatever -- and like I said this type of brooding is basically second nature to me. I already do this type of stuff for free all over town, no reason why we can't make me a spy and have all this brooding go to some greater good. Give me a trench coat, a haircut remarkable only for its unremarkability, and a smoky, dimly lit booth in some hotel bar where I'm performing surveillance on a suspected double agent, and I'll be brooding before the first drop of expensive scotch on the government's tab hits the back of my throat. If there was one single thing I was brought into this world to do, brooding is probably it.
I'm also a natural at resisting emotional intimacy. One thing I've picked up about spying is is that romance is one of the surest ways to expedite one's downfall. This will not be a problem for me. At the moment, some might even say my life would be better served by having someone close to me, allowing someone to love me and then loving them in return, but still I soldier on, alone, distant, inscrutable, absolutely resistant to this saccharine nonsense of love, commitment, lasting emotional intimacy and other such pop psychology nonsense. Just see the way I already resist girls' advances at parties, or the way I mentally cross like half the female population off the list for their choice in wardrobe alone, or the way I clam up, brood, turn remote and resolutely quiet when people try to talk to me about issues close to my heart. I'm not just a man with discerning tastes in women, I am downright resistant to seduction, immune to intimacy. Sure, maybe I'll fuck a local in some Eastern European farmhouse while hiding out in a family home while on the run to the border from the dragnet of my lethal pursuers, but I won't whisper any secrets to her while we lay in the haystacks, wrapped in each other's arms. I have to leave, I will say. I am sorry, but you won't see me any more. Then I will disappear without a trace, the gentle farm girl left to wonder exactly who I was, what made me tick, and if she would ever see me again. My core will remain rock solid, my emotions completely in check. Like I said, these type of things are every day things for me right now, no reason I couldn't begin immediately applying these skills in the world of espionage.
I guess I love my country, or whatever. That's covered, no worries.
I'm also great at resolving any and all psychological problems through drinking. I'm not going to take out the psychological scars from the horrors I encounter in the field on the Deputy of Operations (or D-Ops -- see? I already have the lingo), I'm not going to emotionally torture my my loved ones at home (because, like we already established, no loved ones), I'm not going to crack up in the middle of some top secret black op because I'm worried if my wife is missing me or anything like that. I'm just going to get shitfaced in the shower of my hotel room alone and leave it at that. I mean, okay, if I'm on some particularly grueling operation in the opium rich areas of the mideast, I can't say I won't smoke a little opium to help the time pass, but I mean it's not like that habit can't be beat with some modern treatment once I return to the warm confines of the super secret spy base back home, and even if I can't beat it, well shoot, then I'll just be the opium smoking spy. I think it's important every spy have their eccentricities, right?
I like suits and dressing well. If we can get me some kind of secret serum which would allow me to grow enough hair on my upper lip to form a mustache, I would be very open to the possibility of growing a mustache. Waxing the mustache in place, we'd have to negotiate.
I'm good at languages. I take a perverse pleasure in willfully misleading people. I've looked at a globe before, and I have a natural distaste for dictators, hegemonies, and oligarchies the world over, unless, of course, they're one of our dictators, hegemonies, or oligarchies, in which case I can easily navigate the cynical philosophical conclusions regarding their exact necessity in the Greater Good necessary to proceed and all that. I mean, I'll be killing people at some point, so I guess this sort of it's wrong but not really wrong stuff I'll have to learn to be comfortable with either way. I like gadgets. I like telling stories.
I'm fucking set up for this shit, that's what I'm saying here. Born for it even. If you know of any clandestine operations you need carried out (with cool secret code names like Operation: Broken Ground or Operation: Red Panda or Operation: Saddlebags only please; I'm not going to mess with some bush league Operation: Get Revenge On My Ex-Boyfriend shit here; I'm a pro), please don't hesitate in contacting me.
