it's true, I have a college degree

I've lived in Portland over four months now and I still hadn't taken my bike on the bus yet, not because I didn't want to take my bike on the bus, not because there weren't times where I definitely should have taken it on the bus, but mainly because I was terrified that I would go to put my bike on front rack and completely fuck up and be totally mortified. I think the possibility of being out in front of the bus, in the perfect spot for every passenger to stare out and marvel at your ineptitude is is the part that really makes it terrifying -- all those people whose schedules would be held up while you fumbled and fought and tried to get your bike on but failed, failed at a completely elementary task, just placing a bike on a rack, that even third graders should be able to handle with ease -- and all the passengers witness to your inadequacy.

So I studied. Anytime someone approached a bus with a bike on or near their person, I would watch like a hawk. It was critical that I saw all stages of the operation for the inevitable time that I braved the very process myself. How did they place the bike? Did they communicate with the bus driver before performing the operation? How long did it take them? Did they look comfortable doing it? Did everyone inside the bus stare and judge? Would I be stared at and judged?

This morning was my turn. It was raining, I couldn't realistically ride my bike home in the weather. I definitely thought about riding home, not just because I wanted to save $1.70, but because I wasn't entirely confident I was ready for the bike loading process. It's been four months and I still wasn't sure if I was ready. I wondered if they had buses without the bike racks and maybe I could get lucky and just take it inside the bus. Why didn't they just let people take their bikes onto the bus? When I ride the MAX I just have to take my bike on, it's painless and easy. Still, the weather was really much too bad for me to ride home -- not just the rain, but there was likely a wind that would be blowing against me the whole way home -- and there was just one easy bus to take me home, so despite my fears, the bus it was.

I rode out to the stop and waited, mentally prepped myself for the impending taskt. Eventually the bus approached. My time was upon me.

I wish I could say that loading my bike onto the front rack was a painless process, the multiple rides of studying allowing me to just easily lower the rack, place the bike on, and then board confidently, but no, it wouldn't be so simple. There were confusing instructions:

v PULL HANDLE v

which seems easy enough, but let me tell you the arrows were not pointing to any handle. The handle was missing. This was the first step in the whole process and the handle was missing. Where was the handle? Why did it all have to go wrong on the first damn step?

I started panicking. I didn't know what to do. I'd honestly been building this moment up for months and here I was, in the moment of truth, and it was all coming to pieces. It was raining on me and the bus was waiting and I couldn't decipher a two-word instruction. I pulled everything I thought those arrows were pointing to. I pulled hard, I pulled softly, I pulled upward, sideways, shoved a little down or side to side or anything, something had to be a handle, somehow I had to pull it.

I looked to the busdriver inside for help and this is what she said, "PULL THE HANDLE!"

Then she pointed downwards.

I looked, that's exactly what the directions said. Her help wasn't very helpful. I looked up again, "PULL. THE. HANDLE!" and she pointed. I sort of wished she had just started the bus and ran me over.

Eventually she jumped outside to help me. There was a handle, it was hidden behind the ad, below the signs. I'd like to say it wasn't obvious. I really don't think it was very obvious. When she finally got out to help me, she said, "I bet you have a college degree."

Is it because of the glasses? Is that why she said that?