12-step program on becoming a well-rounded, yet ultimately unsucessful college student

1. Decide that becoming 'well-rounded' is an admirable goal, and dedicate yourself to it. Over-emphasizing in a single area will limit your effectiveness. It's best to be prepared for any situation which might befall you. Imagine countless situations that your multi-talents will deftly handle. Know that being able to talk intelligently about European sports cars will be the difference maker in getting that office job you've always wanted, not your myriad of other, equally well-rounded talents. You are prepared for everything, anything.

2. Accept that some talents are just over-rated, and dedicate yourself solely to those which you have determined are important. Like talking intelligently about European sports cars. And knowing that last sentence is a fragment. Talents which are unimportant to learn may include, but are not limited to: biology, balancing your checkbook, reading bass clef, winning at Halo 2, being able to talk intelligently about Shakespeare. While others might feel that you have over-valued being skilled at Tekken 5, know that they are wrong. Envy your friends who can fix microwaves. You never know when you might have to fix a microwave.

3. When faced with a decision such as: watch the movie by the famous director you've been meaning to watch for a long time, or begin writing your school paper due in 2 days, know that watching the movie is always a good choice. How can you talk intelligently about famous directors if you've never watched that movie? You already know this skill is equally as valuable as being a good writer, and as such shouldn't be neglected simply because the post-industrial, patriarchal, capitalist university system feels the needs to impose deadlines on your skill development. Sure you've hated every Paul Thomas Anderson movie you've watched before Punch Drunk Love, but how can you talk intelligently about why you hate it if you've never seen it? There's no time like the present.

4. If your roommate is already using the TV, know that it is also an equally good choice to retire to your room to play video games on your computer until she is done. Some might consider Championship Manager '01/'02 a mindless diversion, but you recognize it for what it is: a crash course in soccer trivia. Although soccer is relatively unpopular in the United States, you remain certain that your recitations of player's histories will go over big when you reach Europe. (If you reach Europe. Don't forget you're still preparing for everything, and not any one fixed goal.) Be sure to check famous player's histories with frequency. It is of vital import that you know Alan Shearer started his career with Southampton, whether other people can see it or not. When your roommate is done using the TV, watch your movie.

5. Spend slow moments of the film thinking long and hard about what your paper is going to be about. Realize that everyone's writing process is unique and equally valid, and yours includes watching movies you knew you would hate before you ever saw it. Look forward to presenting your friend who likes this movie with an intelligent critique of all its various failings. This skill is just as important as being able to write a good paper. They're rather closely related in fact. Maybe you should write a paper about why you don't like Paul Thomas Anderson. Remember that your professor taught you that writing is a recursive process, even if that doesn't at all apply to the situation at hand because you haven't written anything for your assignent, much less decied what you will write about when you begin. Realize that it's 1:50 a.m. when the movie concludes and you have a 9:00 class tomorrow morning which you haven't done the homework for, either. Wonder why there aren't any college classes about soccer trivia.

6. Carefully select the CD you will fall asleep to. It can't be too upbeat, or overly verbose. The skill of talking intelligently about various musical artists requires close listening of the lyrics, so it won't help you to fall asleep when there are too many lyrics to concentrate on. Set your alarm for 7:45 a.m., leaving ample time to shower, get dressed, and complete your assignment that you aren't going to finish tonight.

7. Wake up grumpily at 7:45 and decide you are too tired to get up. You will skip your first class. The assignment wasn't that important anyway.

8. Wake up again at 11:30 and with real intent to begin your paper, due now in less than 24 hours. Realize that it isn't a good idea to write on an empty stomach. Remember that everyone has their own process. Call your friends about going to lunch.
8a. Go to lunch. Order something big because you will not be leaving the house again until there is a good start on your paper. Realize that this is just a poor excuse to eat a lot.

9. Return home to begin your paper. Before you begin writing, make sure to select a good CD for writing your paper. Everyone has their own process. Turn on your computer. When your computer is finished loading, scan your desktop and choose Championship Manager '01/'02. Remember that knowing soccer trivia is equally as valuable as being a good writer, whether your professor can see that or not. Tell yourself that you will only play until your team loses. When your team loses, become frustrated by the result and reload your computer to play the game again. Being a good Championship Manager is equally as valuable as knowing soccer trivia. Continue this for at least 3 hours. Every time your team loses, make certain to remind yourself that you're only playing until the next time your team loses.

10. Begin your paper. Try to find a way to include soccer trivia or European sports cars or intelligent movie discussion in the topic. Your ideas are valid as long as you can support them. Try and determine a way to include an exclamation point in your paper. Using exclamation points is an important skill, and one that is sorely lacking in academic discourses. Wonder what your friends are doing right now – probably having fun. Maybe you should call your friends. No, you have to finish your paper. Maybe you should read something to get inspired. Maybe you should read what you’re supposed to write about. Try and figure out what your grade is at this point in the class, and just how necessary completing this one paper is. Decide that the music you are listening to is too distracting; change it to something else. Go on-line to check the latest sports scores. It’s important that you know these so you can appear informed when you talk to your friend who likes basketball in class tomorrow. See, your well-rounded skills will pay off shortly. Wonder just why the professor made you do this assignment in the first place. Wonder why you even have to take this class. Wonder what you’re doing in the university, anyway. A well-rounded person like you should be able to find work in any field you want. Remember that lots of people outside the university like European sports cars. Remember that you’re an exceptional American because you know Alan Shearer started his career with Southampton. Wonder if your professor even knows who Alan Shearer is. Shouldn’t an English professor know something about English football? Wonder why this class is required, and not one on soccer trivia instead. Notice your roommate is watching a movie in the living room. Ask her what she is watching. Stand By Me. You’ve seen that on cable too many times to watch it again now. Return to your paper. Type your name, your professor’s name, the class number, and the date in the upper right hand corner. Place your fingers on the keyboard. Assuming the position of a writer might very well make the words come. Remember that your professor says that writing is a recursive process, even though that has nothing to do with your current paper. Begin writing.

11. Breathe a large sigh of relief when you begin page 3 of your 3-5 page paper. You are practically done. Tack on a conclusion, loosely proofread, save, print, and never read it again. Now you can finally watch that basketball game you recorded. Remember that knowing every individual Warriors' result is a valuable skill.

12. Watch Warriors' game. Go to sleep. Wake up the next day. Hand in 2 and 1/3 page paper. Never think about it again.

I hope you like this as much as I do

I'm currently writing a piece about being a porn clerk, but I'm telling you that my writing will absolutely never touch this. When I first found it I read straight through, absolutely amazed at some of the exact experiences of my own retold by this porn clerk in Chicago. Apparently there is some universal disease afflicting the average porn junkie. I'm working on my own story, now, despite wanting to write about it forever. Basically, once I read this journal I reailzed that I couldn't write anything better than what is contained here. I endorse this writing word for word. Please read it, all of it.

sometimes I find myself confusing

Once, on a spur-of-the-moment road trip during the middle of the summer with some of my best friends, our driver insisted on playing a tape of the Magnetic Fields 69 Love Songs, despite my constant demands to “listen to something fun, for Christ’s Sake.” Following the road trip, the relationship between the driver and I continued to deteriorate, perhaps because of a difference in musical taste, perhaps because we couldn’t agree on exactly what constitutes “fun,” perhaps because we just lost interest in each other. Either way, I can’t listen to the Magnetic Fields without thinking of that sunny summer day, or my missing friend.

Despite my previous insistence upon the fact that there is indeed one objective “fun,” I’ve decided to momentarily lapse my hard-line stance for the sake of this writing. Perhaps some people really enjoy the music, and find it completely appropriate for a sunny summer day on the open road. The extent to which the reconsideration of my previous convictions coincides with my reading of Rick Moody’s appreciation of the album in my favorite magazine, The Believer, should not be understated. It’s not often you bother to read a 10-page meditation on an album you don’t really like, especially when you consider writing about music a questionable endeavor in the first place. Rick has done some smart things in his essay, such as whittling the 69 Love Songs down to only 31. Perhaps if I only listened to those 31, I could become a convert. (Although I notice “Reno Dakota” is #4 on his compilation, the song being one of the stronger impressions on my memory of what I just couldn’t “get into” on the album). He also admits a certain relation between some of the songs and the traditional musical. I, like Rick Moody, can’t stand musicals, so I admire his frank admission and honest approach with the subject. Still his somewhat defensive (and weak) distinction between musicals and ballads does help me reconsider the album with less prejudice. But even with Rick Moody, a man whose writing and intellect I greatly admire, on their side, I still can’t bring myself to enjoy the Magnetic Fields.

And I realize it’s somewhat taboo to admit personal biases when “objectively” critiquing the merit of art, but that’s what I’m going to do. Even though I will now think of Rick’s love for this album every time I hear it, I will also never forget my friend and our relationship. If I were to say what the Magnetic Fields makes me think of, what distinct impression it leaves upon me, I would say, “S----.” Perhaps it is exactly these types of personal associations this album has built its popularity upon, but for me it’s an obvious hindrance. And why is that? On S----’s last birthday I spent a good deal of my time at her party typing up a note explaining how much I love her, and I meant every word. I’ve never written a love note before, and I never intend to again. (See what can happen when you listen to too much Magnetic Fields?)Yet it’s not that I regret it, or our relationship, or anything like that. I actually think it has something to do with that sunny summer day, and our drive to Oregon, and our playful banter about exactly what “fun” is, and how much I want to have a day like that again.

I recently “starred” in a student film alongside the lovely S----. One of the most obnoxious aspects was that it was a student film, and they didn’t have much stock to shoot with. As such, all scenes were one take and if you screwed up your lines you might wreck the whole damn thing. What’s obnoxious about this is that S---- and I would have been at our best if they just let the cameras roll, and just allowed us to joke back and forth. S---- is one of the few women I’ve met who can not only stand up to my rude humor, but give it back as well.

And I know what you’re asking yourself, “Just what do you consider fun music to be, then?” Well, I could give lots of examples – AC/DC, the Roots, Johnny Cash, Outkast, etc. – but I would never say the Magnetic Fields. If it weren’t for that day on the highway, I would never think of sunshine when I heard their music. Maybe that’s why I’m mad at S----, now I feel warm every time Claudia Gonson chews out Reno Dakota. That damn “Dakota/iota/quota” rhyme doesn’t represent forced, musical-esque lyricism, but a sunny stretch of open road. I can’t say for certain why that’s upsetting to me, only that it is.